dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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