you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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