i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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