I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
