Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
