K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
