I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my shit smells like andre
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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