Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
