He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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