I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
