I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.