I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just found puke in my bra..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
