I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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