Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
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The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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