Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
