Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
