but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
