When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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