I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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