I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
