Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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