I hate all girls vehemently.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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