home. puking in laundry basket.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
