i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i love accidental penises.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
