she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This is my gift to your gina
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
