Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
