tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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