my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
