god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You dont lie about slip and slides
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
