Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
