who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
