I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
