Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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