just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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