she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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