i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
