two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
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I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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