I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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