I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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