I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
