weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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