I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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