I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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