before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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