I met the friendliest cop last night
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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