I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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