I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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