my vag is so smooth its legendary
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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