I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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