Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
