i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
