Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
