Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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