I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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