So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
