I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
