Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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